I am reading old notebooks and came across this from 1996. It makes me laugh in the sense of so what else is new?, and for fuck’s sake, really?
1996. I ran into P. I have recently dreamed about him. He’s back in my fantasy life now that I am no longer seeing P. I congratulated him on his new book. He launched into a denunciation of the review of it in “The Nation.” He wasn’t interested in anything I had to say. I think he’s like this with most people, doesn’t even try to listen out of politeness. Despite this, he beams a sort of approval at me. It’s about sex. I once thought that included my mind or something besides being a listener. He said he was amazed at the bold way I revealed my sexual self on the page. I wasn’t sure I did that and felt a little embarrassed. I am envious of his talent and the seriousness with which he takes himself. I don’t have that kind of confidence. I could not stand to be around him too much, unless we were having sex, and I don’t want to have sex with him.